NYC – A Tale in 3’s (Part 3)

The final chapter of this story (see previous blogs for Parts 1 & 2), nicely wrapped up in an unsurprising bow of hot mess, hilarity, and unapologetic ownership.

It is SO time to go to bed.  Actually, looong past time if you’re a stickler for details.  Pretty sure at this point we’re looking more like grimacing, Disney villains lurching down the sidewalk with skittering cockroaches and rats vs. pulling off Snow White twirling down the street with blue birds & cute woodland creatures.

Somehow, we hit the pot of gold at the end of the Big Apple rainbow as our tanks sputtered on empty, an ALL NIGHT DELI!!!!  Screw Batman – the owners of that 24-hour dining establishment were our super-heroes that night!  Guessing it was around 5:00 a.m. at that point.  Does that mean it’s late night grub or breakfast?  Who cares. *NOM*NOM*NOM*

Inhale, swallow, pay check, exit establishment.  We are SO damn close to our hotel but OH, I have to pee SO bad!!!!!  I know you’re thinking the same thing my friend did (and said), “Why didn’t you go when we were at the restaurant?”.  Well, I DON’T KNOW but it felt like I drank a lake and then had to hold it in for a day while listening to a shower running non-stop.  Like, this has got to happen NOW!

Literally – this is not stretched truth for effect – we were ONE hotel away from ours when I knew I wasn’t going to make it any further if I didn’t go RIGHT THEN.  We did a turbo boost (more aptly described as a “wobbly beeline”) through the side door of the chi-chi hotel next to ours and up to the concierge (aka: Late Night Hotel Lord, aka: LNHL) with obvious urgency, pleading my case and desperate request for bathroom access…..and he was having NONE of it.  He was straight out of a Hollywood NYC parody, the cliched, stuffy, “looking-down-his-nose” doorman.  Despite his disdain and attempted dismissal we urgently relayed that we were staying, literally, *next door* but I had to pee *so badly* that I was not going to make it.

“You’re staying next door?”


With complete dryness and statement of fact, “No you’re not.”

O…M…G!!!  Did that just happen??  Did he REALLY just say that??  Why, yes.  Yes, he did!  I’m sure much to his surprise and horror that response was met with spontaneous, unapologetic, and uncontrollable laughter, most definitely NOT helping my desperate need for a bathroom!  I finally managed to stop just enough to say to my friend (in front of LNHL), “Well do you know where we’re staying because I’m confused!” at which point the empty lobby again echoed with our drunken & inappropriate late night guffaws.

To be diplomatic, I’ll summarize from his perspective:
1.  On a luxury hotel strip in the city but we were only there because we got a last minute, insanely discounted rate at our next door location. I’m sure he could smell it on us but, hey, hate the game, not the playa’!
2.  I was wearing a t-shirt with a blinking, shape shifting star and blue jeans in an Armani & Chanel world.
3.  My friend & I were both inappropriately and unapologetically giddy, drunk, desperate, and amused with anything & everything (including our current situation) though it seemed our amusement was not contagious.

Now here is my perspective:
1.  I have to PEE!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2.  Choose wisely…..just sayin’.

Thankfully one of us (don’t recall whom) thought to pull out our key with our hotel name on it.  His shock – and disdain – at this irrefutable and unexpected proof granted his unwilling but “then appropriate” concession to let me use the lobby restroom.

Don’t worry fella’, I didn’t pee on the seat and I washed my hands when I left…but that’s because it was the hotel bathroom, not yours.

As they say at the end of concerts, “THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!”

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